Yeah yeah, 3 posts in a day, wtf, I know.

Jerry didn’t know the story of passover, and you’d never met a Jew before Liane, and my cousin’s Seder invitation sums things up rather nicely, so— Carrie wrote this, not me. My family members have an interesting sense of humor:

The Story of Passover 

The Jews were forced to build pyramids in Egypt. (That’s right, it was the Jews. Not aliens. Don’t believe the Discovery Channel.) Moses “Abe Lincoln Totally Stole My Thunder” Jewowitz infiltrated the Egyptians and (with the help of his good buddy, God, who came through with some strategic smiting) convinced Pharaoh to let his people go. When Pharaoh sobered up, he changed his mind. But in an amazing (and unparalleled) display of Jewy athleticism, we out-ran Pharaoh’s armies. Then, in a typical display of Jewy group-decisionmaking inability, headed straight for the Red Sea. Luckily, Moses and God had rigged some special effects of biblical proportions. The Jews walked through the Sea on dry land (what, did you expect us to mess up our blow-outs by swimming? our hair would totally frizz) but the Egyptians went down. Sadly, the bagels did not have time to rise before we fled from oppression, so we ate our lox on matzoh. After 40 years of disagreeing as to how to get out of the desert, we came to the promised land. And Jews never did manual labor again. Amen.

 

What This Means For You 

Every year we must honor our ancestors’ memory by kvetching about being slaves and then mandatorily overeating and drinking minimum four glass of Manischewitz. It is, of course, a mitzvah to invite guests to a seder and I need all the mitzvah points I can get to earn my way into Jew Heaven. (Yes, that’s how it works. You can also buy your way into Jew Heaven, but it’s even pricier than High Holiday tickets. And FYI Jew Heaven looks a lot like Loehmann’s.) So please join me and allow me to fulfill my destiny as Jewy housewife extraordinaire by cooking for you: chicken soup, brisket, tsimmes, mashed potatoes, matzoh, charoset, and other Semitic delights. There will, of course, be Manischewitz aplenty.Bring friends, loved ones, rabbis, goy toys, shiksa princesses, etc. But please RSVP. Your Jewish mother will be so ashamed if you don’t.